J.O.K.U.L.U

The most beautiful feeling in the world ??

2012-01-05T04:05:00.001-08:00

When you try 2 look at your friend and you find that your friend is already looking at you.

Location: Examination Hall :D

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bungee jump prank

2011-10-23T02:34:00.001-07:00

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Who needs Computer Graphics?

2011-10-21T12:00:00.001-07:00

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iPaid

2011-10-20T02:30:00.001-07:00

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New seatbelt design reduces accidents by 45%

2011-09-29T03:12:00.001-07:00

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Using a credit card online..

2011-09-28T01:11:00.001-07:00

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Whenever you fall down...

2011-03-04T05:44:00.001-08:00

Whenever you fall down,

Never lose hope,

Gather your courage and strength...

Just get up

.....

and

....

tell

....

the .bartender...

....

"Another LARGE PLEASE!";)

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Brahmi Guevara

2011-02-04T02:33:00.001-08:00

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How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

2011-01-04T02:17:00.001-08:00

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and
told him, "I've kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, "I've
kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and
put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the
playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The Blonde then pinned the note to the
kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was
sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow
Blonde? "

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The world's greatest magician ;)

2010-12-21T23:48:00.001-08:00

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The Perfect Husband

2010-12-17T05:50:00.001-08:00

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

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Letter home from School

2010-12-16T10:19:00.001-08:00

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

- Love, Your $on.

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

- Love, Dad

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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

2010-12-11T09:11:00.001-08:00

Question: Why doesnt Mexico have an Olympic team?

Answer. Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

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You are a geek if

2010-11-16T09:43:00.001-08:00

How do you know if you are a geek? Your computer cost $6,000 and your
car cost $500.00

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An astronaut in space

2010-11-15T08:46:00.001-08:00

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter,
"How do you feel? "
"How would you feel," the astronaut replied,
"if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by
the lowest bidder? "

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Visa Football Evolution

2010-11-02T01:00:00.001-07:00

via veryfunnyads.com

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follow the lion tracks

2010-10-13T19:47:00.001-07:00

Tourist: "Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
Guide: "Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

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Intelligent Students - School Fun

2010-08-17T23:33:00.001-07:00

See the full gallery on posterous

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Gold Ferrari

2010-08-06T18:35:00.001-07:00

via 9gag.com

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Never underestimate the power of a great story

2010-07-26T06:35:00.001-07:00

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Thats What Friends Are For !!!

2010-07-25T20:28:00.001-07:00

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Twinkle Twinkle little star Awesome accent comedy [HQ]

2010-07-21T02:19:00.001-07:00

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Funny exam answers

2010-07-05T05:46:00.001-07:00

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What do women do all day..?

2010-07-03T09:28:00.001-07:00

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it..."

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Dear Wife/Girlfriend/whomever it may concern...

2010-06-09T00:09:00.001-07:00

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Honda Jazz Tetris Commercial

2010-05-31T00:24:00.001-07:00

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A day off...

2010-05-21T05:58:00.001-07:00

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

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Heineken Beer Commercial

2010-05-20T02:47:00.001-07:00

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Drunk

2010-05-19T06:01:00.001-07:00

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit."

The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place."

The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?"

The guy says, "Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!"

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What a bonehead!

2010-05-17T22:35:00.001-07:00

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager..."Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'

You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

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The Rookie Cop...

2010-05-17T05:11:00.001-07:00

2222

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...
"I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

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Letter home from School

2010-05-14T00:48:00.001-07:00

- Love, Your $on.

- Love, Dad

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There's a car going the wrong way

2010-05-13T05:22:00.001-07:00

2846

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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a gift that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds

2010-05-11T23:49:00.001-07:00

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

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God takes what he wants

2010-05-11T11:05:00.001-07:00

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"

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The funniest compilation of kids acting funny. Very cute

2010-05-08T03:30:00.001-07:00

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Boyfriend at bar pretends to be at home!!

2010-05-07T03:16:00.001-07:00

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Air disaster

2010-05-04T23:31:00.001-07:00

when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

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Long Amusement

2010-05-03T23:35:00.001-07:00

2646

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

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Where are the subtitles...funny taliban interview!!

2010-05-02T22:26:00.001-07:00

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Who is the most obedient??

2010-04-30T02:18:00.001-07:00

592

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison:

"Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

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How technology changed us...

2010-04-28T21:49:00.001-07:00

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Things are not as we thought

2010-04-27T22:08:00.001-07:00

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation to Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail via his palmtop PC, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor passed out. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Honey, departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

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What do u think of this?

2010-04-26T05:10:00.001-07:00

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12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts

2010-04-25T23:31:00.001-07:00

662

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

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A wise old man

2010-04-25T00:04:00.001-07:00

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I use to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing ((blonde, jokes))

2010-04-22T23:35:00.001-07:00

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"

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New Heineken's Commercial - Every Man's dream!!

2010-04-21T23:18:00.001-07:00

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Look who's trying to teach us marketing

2010-04-19T23:27:00.001-07:00

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome - one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

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The twins ate drunk again

2010-04-19T10:37:00.001-07:00

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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Blonde Miracle Diet

2010-04-18T19:38:00.001-07:00

2497

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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1255 Don't Step On The Ducks...

2010-04-16T08:59:00.001-07:00

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God".

"Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish ducks here".

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the ducks".

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.

"How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy"? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says "I stepped on a Duck"!

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Own thinking

2010-04-15T23:42:00.001-07:00

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day
today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

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Pizza Cutting

2010-04-13T00:41:00.001-07:00

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it
in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

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A woman went to doctors office

2010-04-12T08:21:00.001-07:00

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming
as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another
room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and
seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

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Now we run

2010-04-11T01:36:00.001-07:00

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the
doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Posted via email from jokulu

Big john doesn't pay

2010-04-10T05:59:00.001-07:00

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people
got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler,
arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver
was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after
that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had
become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big
John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!" With a surprised look on his face, Big John
replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

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A Box of Cigars

2010-04-09T21:36:00.001-07:00

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer.

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

Posted via email from jokulu

Marooned

2010-04-08T03:27:00.003-07:00

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

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Marooned

2010-04-08T03:27:00.001-07:00

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

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Y2K

2010-04-07T05:34:00.001-07:00

Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We
have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to
report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the
following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

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The other side

2010-04-05T00:27:00.001-07:00

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.

She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde shakes her head and yells back - "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"

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Give us this day our daily chicken

2010-04-04T07:00:00.001-07:00

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this
day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of
good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the
words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If
you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million
to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC
is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies,

"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

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Big red truck

2010-04-02T22:41:00.001-07:00

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire department and asked them to come put it out.

When they asked how to get to her house, and she rolled her eyes and said... "Duh, use the big red truck!"

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A stammering clerk

2010-04-01T01:30:00.001-07:00

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks -

"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

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Ask a question until she hears you

2010-03-31T06:24:00.001-07:00

A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she
doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?"

Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question.

Still no reply, so he moved to five feet.

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"

She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old goat!

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We'll go in the night!

2010-03-30T22:00:00.001-07:00

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian.

The Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

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Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference

2010-03-29T03:17:00.001-07:00

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Poachers' Revenge

2010-03-27T21:35:00.001-07:00

2528

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

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Lost

2010-03-26T21:24:00.001-07:00

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the ship's captain.

"I have no idea," says the captain; "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

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Give me your money

2010-03-26T02:29:00.001-07:00

Late one night in the Washington, D.C. area a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

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Great singer

2010-03-25T03:05:00.001-07:00

One night, a mother softly sang a lullaby to her nine-month-old baby.

After the first verse, the baby sweetly looked into the mother's eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in hers.

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I dont want a ride! (tag: general, jokes))

2010-03-23T19:25:00.001-07:00

968

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

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Building a bridge

2010-03-22T23:25:00.001-07:00

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.

The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!"
The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick."

The genie replies, "My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish!"

The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want to be able to understand women."

The genie pauses for a moment and says -
"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four?"

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An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked

2010-03-22T00:21:00.001-07:00

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in
trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on
black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."

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Lets talk about something interesting

2010-03-21T02:13:00.001-07:00

Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of

stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25

flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

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Laziness

2010-03-20T05:47:00.001-07:00

965

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

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Blonde standing in front of soda machine

2010-03-19T06:48:00.001-07:00

A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.

She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"

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If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever

2010-03-18T05:11:00.001-07:00

One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on the intercom, "Attention
passengers, we just lost one of our engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about
an hour behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, do not be
alarmed. We lost another engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever."

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How many customers did you serve today?

2010-03-17T04:40:00.001-07:00

"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.

"One."

"Only one."

"How much was the sale?"

"$58,334.00"

Flabbergasted the manager asked him to explain. The boy said, "First I sold the man a fishhook. Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked him
where he was planning to fish, and he replied down the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that six-metre motor boat. When he said his
car might not be able to pull it, I took him to the auto department and sold him a big vehicle."

The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"

"No," the salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, 'Your weekend's shot. you should
probably go fishing.'"

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A trainee in an MNC dials the CEO by mistake

2010-03-16T08:47:00.001-07:00

A trainee in a MNC dialled C.E.O by mistake and said "hey send a hot coffee to accounts dept in 2 mins"

CEO: "do u know with whom r u talking?"

Trainee : "No"

CEO : "I AM THE CEO Of the company"

Trainee : "Do u know with whom u r talking?

CEO: "NO"

Trainee says: "Thank god" & disconnected the phone

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Night At The Barn

2010-03-13T23:01:00.001-08:00

A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

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Just to make sure...

2010-03-12T23:42:00.001-08:00

The wife of a lawyer was surprised by the turnout at her husband's funeral.
She turns to the huge gathering of people around him and asks: "How do u know him?"
A man turns towards her and says, "We're all clients."
The woman: "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No" said the man, "we came to make sure he was dead."

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artificial

2010-03-10T21:06:00.001-08:00

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Santa and Banta on a sinking ship

2010-03-10T00:56:00.001-08:00

Santa and Banta were trapped in a sinking ship.

Santa: Are we very far from land?

Banta: Nah. Just a kilometer.

Santa jumped into the sea and asks: "Which direction?"

Banta: Downwards !

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An elephant in the way!

2010-03-08T22:10:00.001-08:00

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Castrol Funny Rajnikanth Ad

2010-03-08T01:46:00.001-08:00

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Amazing math trick that proves 2 = 1 !!!!

2010-03-04T21:17:00.001-08:00

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Excuses when caught napping

2010-03-03T21:29:00.001-08:00

Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"...

- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

- I wasn't sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

- Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

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A police officer pulls over a guy for speeding

2010-03-02T21:12:00.001-08:00

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the officer told you I was speeding, too!

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Three lawyers and three engineers

2010-03-02T01:44:00.001-08:00

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

'How are you going to travel on a single ticket?' asked a lawyer.

'Wait and watch,' answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, 'Ticket please.' The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any. 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

'Wait and watch,' answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

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women drivers

2010-02-28T19:10:00.001-08:00

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Long life

2010-02-28T03:09:00.001-08:00

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you!

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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are

2010-02-27T04:32:00.001-08:00

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.

"T-Square, do your stuff."

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

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The biggest jerks get the most attractive wives

2010-02-25T21:26:00.001-08:00

A man turns to his wife and says: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

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Nature thanks you

2010-02-24T19:54:00.001-08:00

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tough to teach idiots

2010-02-23T22:25:00.001-08:00

(4123 KB)
Watch on posterous

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Movie tickets...

2010-02-22T01:03:00.001-08:00

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why three?

Husband: For you and your parents.

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Foolish vs wise man

2010-02-21T01:45:00.001-08:00

A FOOLISH man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

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Height, not length...

2010-02-19T22:03:00.001-08:00

A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"

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