Who is the most obedient??

592

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. 

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" 

Five small voices answered in unison: 

"Okay, Dad, you get the toy." 

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How technology changed us...

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Things are not as we thought

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation to Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. 

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. 

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. 

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail via his palmtop PC, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address. 

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. 

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor passed out. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen: 

Honey, departed yesterday as you know. 
Just now got checked in. 
Some confusion at the gate. 
Appeal was denied. 
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. 

Your loving husband. 

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here. 

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What do u think of this?

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662

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

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A wise old man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. 

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I use to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. 

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." 

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. 

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" 

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. 

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Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing ((blonde, jokes))

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. 

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?" 

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing" 

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New Heineken's Commercial - Every Man's dream!!

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Look who's trying to teach us marketing

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome - one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. 

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." 

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing." 

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The twins ate drunk again

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. 

"Why of course," comes the reply. 

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" 

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. 

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." 

"Of Course," replies the second man. 

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" 

"Dublin," comes the reply. 

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." 

"Of course," replies the second man. 

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" 

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." 

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" 

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. 

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. 

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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Blonde Miracle Diet

2497

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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1255 Don't Step On The Ducks...

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God".

"Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish ducks here".

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the ducks".

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.

"How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy"? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says "I stepped on a Duck"!

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Own thinking

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. 

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day
today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" 

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking." 

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Pizza Cutting

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it
in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

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A woman went to doctors office

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming
as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another
room. 

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and
seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" 

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. 

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?" 

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Now we run

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. 

However, the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. 

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. 

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the
doorbell a solid ring. 

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" 

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" 

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Big john doesn't pay

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people
got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler,
arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver
was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. 

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after
that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. 

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had
become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big
John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!" With a surprised look on his face, Big John
replied, "Big John has a bus pass." 

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A Box of Cigars

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer.

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

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Marooned

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. 

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish. 

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. 

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went. 

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

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Marooned

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. 

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish. 

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. 

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went. 

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

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Y2K

Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We
have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to
report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the
following new standards: 

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December 

and... 

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

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The other side

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.

She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde shakes her head and yells back - "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"

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Give us this day our daily chicken

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. 

The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this
day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." 

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. 

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. 

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of
good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the
words." 

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If
you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million
to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." 

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC
is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." 

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, 

"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account." 

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Big red truck

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire department and asked them to come put it out. 

When they asked how to get to her house, and she rolled her eyes and said... "Duh, use the big red truck!"

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A stammering clerk

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks -

"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

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