Ask a question until she hears you

A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" 

The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she
doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you." 

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" 

Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. 

Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. 

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?" 

She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old goat! 

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We'll go in the night!

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" 

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" 

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian. 

The Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" 

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Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference

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Poachers' Revenge

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The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

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Lost

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. 

"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the ship's captain. 

"I have no idea," says the captain; "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

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Give me your money

Late one night in the Washington, D.C. area a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. 

"Give me your money," he demanded. 

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!" 

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!" 

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Great singer

One night, a mother softly sang a lullaby to her nine-month-old baby.

After the first verse, the baby sweetly looked into the mother's eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in hers.

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I dont want a ride! (tag: general, jokes))

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A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. 

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

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Building a bridge

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.

The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!"
The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick."

The genie replies, "My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish!"

The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want to be able to understand women."

The genie pauses for a moment and says -
"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four?"

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An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in
trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." 

The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on
black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns. Medicine man also with them." 

"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate." 

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Lets talk about something interesting

Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. 

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of

stairs to get to their room. 

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25

flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." 

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. 

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!" 

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Laziness

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A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

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Blonde standing in front of soda machine

A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.

She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"

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If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever

One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on the intercom, "Attention
passengers, we just lost one of our engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about
an hour behind schedule." 

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, do not be
alarmed. We lost another engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will arrive at our destination about three hours late." 

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever." 

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How many customers did you serve today?

"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked. 

"One." 

"Only one." 

"How much was the sale?" 

"$58,334.00" 

Flabbergasted the manager asked him to explain. The boy said, "First I sold the man a fishhook. Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked him
where he was planning to fish, and he replied down the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that six-metre motor boat. When he said his
car might not be able to pull it, I took him to the auto department and sold him a big vehicle." 

The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?" 

"No," the salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, 'Your weekend's shot. you should
probably go fishing.'"

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A trainee in an MNC dials the CEO by mistake

A trainee in a MNC dialled C.E.O by mistake and said "hey send a hot coffee to accounts dept in 2 mins"

CEO: "do u know with whom r u talking?"

Trainee : "No" 

CEO : "I AM THE CEO Of the company" 

Trainee : "Do u know with whom u r talking?

CEO: "NO" 

Trainee says: "Thank god" & disconnected the phone

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Night At The Barn

A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow. 

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Just to make sure...

The wife of a lawyer was surprised by the turnout at her husband's funeral.
She turns to the huge gathering of people around him and asks: "How do u know him?"
A man turns towards her and says, "We're all clients."
The woman: "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No" said the man, "we came to make sure he was dead."

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artificial

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. 

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Santa and Banta on a sinking ship

Santa and Banta were trapped in a sinking ship.

Santa: Are we very far from land?

Banta: Nah. Just a kilometer.

Santa jumped into the sea and asks: "Which direction?"

Banta: Downwards !

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An elephant in the way!

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Castrol Funny Rajnikanth Ad

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Amazing math trick that proves 2 = 1 !!!!

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Excuses when caught napping

Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"...

- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

- I wasn't sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

- Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

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A police officer pulls over a guy for speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the officer told you I was speeding, too! 

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Three lawyers and three engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

'How are you going to travel on a single ticket?' asked a lawyer.

'Wait and watch,' answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, 'Ticket please.' The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any. 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

'Wait and watch,' answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

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