women drivers

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Long life

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. 

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. 

Doctor: See, what did I tell you!

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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. 

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. 

"T-Square, do your stuff." 

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. 

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. 

He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." 

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. 

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. 

He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." 

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. 

Everyone agreed that was good. 

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" 

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." 

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

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The biggest jerks get the most attractive wives

A man turns to his wife and says: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." 

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

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Nature thanks you

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tough to teach idiots

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Watch on posterous

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Movie tickets...

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why three?

Husband: For you and your parents.

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Foolish vs wise man

A FOOLISH man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

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Height, not length...

A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"

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Don't know much history

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' "

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

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Give him a glass of water

Son to dad: Dad, there is some one at the door collecting donations for a swimming pool.

Dad to son: Give him a glass of water.

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Turn Signals

A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night.

As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all. So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working.

She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't.""

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Two regular, two black and two decaf

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "I'll have two regular, two black,and two decaf."

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The Lawyer and the Devil

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

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A man left for work one Friday afternoon

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Yo momma is so ugly

Yo momma is so ugly I took her to the zoo and the guy at the gate said: "Thanks for bringing her back!"

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There's a mexican at the Tomato stand

There's a Mexican at a tomato stand. All he knows is how to say: "Only five cents", "Yes, very very fresh" and "Not today, maybe tomorrow." A woman walks up to him.

"How much are the tomatoes?"

"Only five cents."

"Are they fresh?"

"Yes, very very fresh."

"Could I buy some?"

"Not today, maybe tomorrow."

So the woman leaves and a robber walks up.

"How much money you got?" he demands.

"Only five cents."

"You gettin' fresh with me, boy?"

"Yes, very very fresh."

"I'm gonna shoot you."

"Not today, maybe tomorrow."

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A lawyer and a blonde in an airplane

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had $100 when we broke in!"

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The duck walks into a convenience store

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied: "I know the guy."

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a little fun each day

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. 

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. 

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! 

So I called him a piece of horse manure. 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! 

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. 

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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Never talk to the parrot

A lady phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large Doberman inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

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You're ugly

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A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. 

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly upset now, so she
went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure
the parrot didn't say it again. 

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said. 

"Yes?" 

"You know." 

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Ketchup please!

An American Born Confused Desi:
"Today when my ketchup ran out i told my mom, she called my uncle who works at KFC to bring a bag full of ketchup packets. The next day my uncle delivered the bag and i spent half n hour refilling the bottle.

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