Did you hear about the blonde that stared at an orange juice can for 20 minutes because it said concentrate?

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Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 

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14 Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman! 

1. We got off the Titanic first. 

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 

4. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 

5. Taxis stop for us. 

6. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 

7. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 

8. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 

9. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 

10. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 

11. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 

12. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

13. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 

14. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. 

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The tremendous fight!

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight.
However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

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Sitting in the back seat

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.
Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

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Only when drunk

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.
The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?"
The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding."
The man's wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles."
"SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."
Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?"
"No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!"
His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!"
"Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"
Curious, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?"
"No" she replies, "Only when he's drinking!"

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How long have I got?

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

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How to use the machine?

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

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Why didn't you keep him?

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

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Won't open the damn store

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"

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You must be a manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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Funny English

Jeppiar is the chairman of Satyabhama Engineering College, Chennai, India. 

He is very famous among his college students for his funny english. Enjoy a few of these hilarious english sentences. And please note that these were really spoken at some point of time!!!!!

Warning: These are extemely funny and u might burst into laughter, so be careful.

------------------------------------------------------------

The chairman of the famous JEPPIAAR group of engineering colleges speaks to his students. 

# About his family:

* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?) 

# At the ground :
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.(meaning air)

* The girl with the mirror please come here...(meaning girl with specs).

# To a boy, angrily:
* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?

# Giving a punishment:
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

# Jeppiar at his best :
* Jeppiar had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of the boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So the next day at college... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

# Inside the Class :
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.(meaning air)

* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor (meaning passed by)

* You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class .. )
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* I have winter in my nose today ...(meaning cold)
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
* Take 5 cm wire of any length....

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once jeppiar had come late to a college function, by the time the function had started, so he went to the dais, and said, sorry i am late, because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).

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Some of the dialogues heard during sathyabama college day 2001 -
"This college strict u the worry no ... u get good marks, i the happy, tomorrow u get good job, jpr the happy, tomorrow u marry i enjoy"

*****************************

St. Joseph's College, Fresher's Day 2003 - "No ragging this college. anyybody rag we arrest the police"

*****************************

Original source: unknown, as this is a wildly popular email collection, passed on and on many times. 

Contributed via email by my friend, Ranjit Nagubandi

*****************************

Posted via email from jokulu

Change for a reward!

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her.
The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

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Happiest hour of my life

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

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How do you confuse a blonde girl?

Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!

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A blind guy's mistake

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely

quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Posted via email from jokulu

Aal izz well...

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I think...

In a bathroom in New York somewhere, if you tell a lie you disapear. A Brunette walks into the bathroom. "I am the Hottest girl in New York!" POOF she disappeared. A red headed girl walks into the bathroom. "I am the smartest girl in New York!!" POOF she disappeared. A blonde walks in the bathroom. "I Think..." POOF she disappears. 

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GM vs Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." 

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself): 

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car. 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on. 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. 

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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Value of artist after death

An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings. “I’ve got good news and bad news,” she said. “The good news is that some guy inquired if it would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“And the bad news?”

“The guy was your doctor.”

Posted via email from jokulu

New Lawyer

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone." 

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8 Funny pics defining extreme laziness

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Only three doors

A flight captain was preparing the crew for the day's route, and noticed that a recently joined blonde stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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13 hilarious construction mistakes

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Smart Dean

Four MBA students were boozing late into the night and did not study for a test that was scheduled for the next day.  

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt, and went up to the dean and said "We had gone to a wedding yesterday night, and on our way back, the tyre of our car burst. We had to push the car all the way back, and so we are in no condition to appear for the test". 

The Dean was a just person. So he said that they could have a retest after three days. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.

The test consisted of two questions with a total marks of 100.

Q1. Write down your Names. (2)

Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98)

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Joke on Software Industry

Employees of a Software Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in Loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined,notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, They

asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager .

They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?

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"About a litre."

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Smart Teacher vs Smart Student

See the full gallery on posterous

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A rumor

Question: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive and rich man?

Answer. A rumour ;-)

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