Lie

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some coke.He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees abeautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their FUN, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder,which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. Iwent to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.""Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says..."You Damn liar!!! You were playing billiards again!!!"
Morale of the story: Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.At least your conscience is clear.

The Geography of a Man/Woman

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 -35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a Dick.

Before the Trouble Starts

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer before the trouble starts."
The Bartender hands him a beer, the guy skulls it and says again, "Give me a beer before the trouble starts."
The bartender hands him another beer and the again the guy skulls it and says again, "Give me a beer before the trouble starts."
The bartender hands him another beer and the guy skulls it again. "Hang on," says the bartender, "how are you going to pay for all of this beer?" The guy replies, "OK, now the troubles started."

Little Johnny at it again

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic and a spanking."Why?" asks the father."The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!

Getting out of a ticket

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the he!! am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Bad Day

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Wish

The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

Lottery

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!". The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

Comforting words

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

A Wife's Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

Heat Wave

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave. As he got out of the shower he said to his wife:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."

Mary Ellen

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up and whacks him real hard on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trousers pocket with the name of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.
Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, instantly knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks: "What was that for?"
"Your horse phoned!"